Cats and Back End Developers

Position: Cats and Back End Developers.
There are 2 versions of this ad. Below is the anodyne version. Bonus points if you can find the more analeptic version. And provide proof of your quest. Good luck!
The Back-End Developer will work for a fast-paced startup.
The Back-End Developer will enjoy hybrid working.
The Back-End Developer will design and build robust server-side applications using .NET and C#.
The Back-End Developer will implement business-critical logic that performs heavy lifting  Back-End Developer will design, query and optimise SQL Server databases.
The Back-End Developer will write efficient stored procedures, views and complex queries.
The Back-End Developer will develop and maintain RESTful APIs.
The Back-End Developer will ensure applications are performant, secure and resilient.
The Back-End Developer will deploy and manage services within AWS environments.
The Back-End Developer will work with AWS services such as EC2, RDS, S3 and Lambda.
The Back-End Developer will implement authentication and authorisation mechanisms.
The Back-End Developer will ensure adherence to cloud security best practice.
The Back-End Developer will identify and resolve performance bottlenecks across application and database layers.
The Back-End Developer will write unit and integration tests.
The Back-End Developer will participate in code reviews and architectural discussions.
The Back-End Developer will be comfortable with CI/CD pipelines and automated deployments.
The Back-End Developer will use version control systems e.g. Git.
The Back-End Developer will have a strong understanding of Agile methodologies.
The Back-End Developer will monitor logging, diagnostics and system health in production.
The Back-End Developer will have an excellent understanding of back-end engineering principles.
Still with us? Great. Then please send us a resume and a covering letter convincing us that you actually enjoyed reading the above. We look forward to hearing from you.

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